This isn’t the post I planned to write this morning. After a grueling workout, I read Rebecca’s latest post on being a work-at-home mom with full-time help. She is always thoughtful, always so intensely honest and raw, and today’s discussion of why working women are ashamed/embarrassed to discuss the help that makes it possible to juggle motherhood and a career just blew me away.
I’m feeling particularly vulnerable right now, as I finish up a three week period where I took three out-of-town work trips, one weekend getaway without the kids, and am currently packing for a weeklong sales conference in Florida. This week alone I had one night in Los Angeles for work, one night out for my birthday and one nighttime work event. It’s been exhausting, to say the least.
I had dinner with a group of men last night, none of whom have children yet. They were teasing me about having kids that I don’t see, and though I know it was meant in jest, it hurt, too. There have been too many nights recently when I tiptoe into the kids’ room to kiss them goodnight, hours after they have fallen asleep, thumbs in mouths, clutching on to beloved stuffed animals. There have been forced conversations with my three-year-old on the phone while I try to get info on his school activities and he tries to get back to watching “Doc McStuffins.” There have been many trips to the grocery store where I stock the cart with the simplest dinner ingredients I can find, knowing J will be cooking by himself all week after a long day at work.
The thing is, of course we have help. My first and best help is my husband, who for years has gone so above and beyond anything I ever dreamed of in a husband and father to care for our kids and keep our lives sane and balanced. We have three sets of grandparents who pick the kids up in a pinch, come down when we have emergencies and take them for weekends every so often so we can get away alone. We have full time preschool and after-care and babysitters. It’s likely we can’t afford all of the help we have but we make it work as well as we can.
I sometimes wonder if it’s worth it, if I should just give it all up and be home with my children, full-time (it’s a rare part-time job that pays enough to justify childcare expenses or provides benefits). To be honest, I think about it every single time I cry because I’m missing yet another school event or I know my husband is tired and just wants a week where we have nothing on the calendar. What keeps me going is a mix of things: love for what I do, ambition to chase dreams I have that I’m not ready to set aside, pride in my achievements, high cost of living, a mother who worked and modeled that for me. I know so well what Rebecca means, though, when she says, about working,
It was worth it.
It wasn’t worth it.
It’s always worth it.
It never is.
This is an argument I have had with myself for years. This is an argument I’ll never stop having. This is an argument we have had with each other for years. This is an argument we’ll never stop having.
I have a group of women in my life who cheer me on, though few are in similar working situations. And I have parents who are quick to tell me how proud they are of me. And I have a husband who truly believes in me. And since I started this blog, I have many of you, too, who email me and leave comments letting me know you understand, you can relate, that you, too, are struggling to “do it all,” whatever that means. Thank you for that support. It means so much.
Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!
I definitely feel for you. Sometimes I feel guilty going to work-out or meeting up with friends after work. I haven’t seen Flora all day. It doesn’t feel right not coming home immediately. I am at work and she is at school-playing, sleeping, drawing. How could I miss the school day stories, the bedtime, the meals. I already miss so much during the day being at work-how could I possibly miss more? I know it is even worse for you with your travel schedule. I think you just have to keep chanting the reasons you “do it all.” Because they are good reasons. Heck, they are great reasons-ambition, pride and love for what you do. They have meaning beyond the everyday and they make you who you are.
love this- thanks for saying it. xoxo
I can relate and agree with the post above. I feel guilty if I do something after work that prevents me from seeing the girls all day (since I leave for work well before they wake up) or if I decide to go to the gym or meet up with a friend on the weekend. And some days my guilt wins, and other days, I realize that (as selfish as this sounds) my happiness and my time makes me a better mother, better wife, better daughter, better sister, better friend, better worker…
I told my husband last night that part of me just wants to up and quit my job. I like my job but haven’t felt mentally stimulated from it recently and have been feeling stimulated from spending time with the girls.
Hope you have weekend. We’ll miss you Monday.
I don’t think it sounds selfish. I actually think it’s right- you need to have something for yourself, and to be fulfilled and happy, to be a good wife and mom.
As someone who has decided to stay at home full time (for now) … and rarely goes out until all kids are in bed, I still feel guilty about everything. I feel like I never have enough time to meet everyone’s needs and I worry all the time. Being a parent isn’t easy, is it? I know that we are our worst critic, but we love those munchkins (and they love us). Keep at it!
You’re so right- and you are such a wonderful mom to your three! But it is hard- we all second guess what we do or don’t do. I do think after being home with your little ones you deserve that night out more than most of us
Oh I totally understand this – I’m sure many of us can, whether working in an office or not. I was working full-time and struggled with that juggle. I am currently taking some time off, and I’m enjoying some time with my boys while they’re little. I’m so grateful that I have this opportunity, but I also know it’s not the long-term answer for us. I will head back to work at some point, and I truly hope I’m able to find a job that allows me the flexibility we need to balance everything. I’m certainly going to push for it. Good luck, and I hope you enjoy a relaxing weekend with your family.
Thanks, Mary- you, too. It would be wonderful if more jobs considered that flexibility, wouldn’t it? It’s so needed when you have a family.
I’m sure you have heard enough from me over the years on this topic, and I certainly agree with the thoughtful notes above. I guess the bottom line, in my opinion, is that you are in touch with your children and how they are feeling. If your time away begins to impact them adversely, I am confident that you will make adjustments.
You will never be guaranteed a life without stress or guilt, no matter what choices you make at any given time. From my observation, you and J are the ones most impacted by the time issues – your wonderful children seem to be thriving and well-adjusted!
Thanks- that means a lot! And you’re right, stress will come no matter what. But they do seem fine at this point
Even though it is undoubtedly hard to juggle everything you do, your resolve and commitment to yourself, your career, family and marriage is so admirable, Erin. Truly. Stay-at-home or working mom, or PT work – there’s no perfect situation. I’m so glad you have such a wonderful network of support and even when you’re feeling down or exhausted from the endless cycle of things, know that your family, friends, blog followers and the Universe are all cheering you on!
You’re aces, kid.
XOXO