(Apologies to my Instagram and Facebook friends who have already seen this photo. If you have wavy, difficult hair, you will understand that an amazing blow out is worth documenting and sharing ad nauseum!)
My birthday is coming up soon. My 34th birthday. And all of a sudden I’m kind of freaking out. It started the other night when J casually referred to us as middle-aged. “You’re wrong,” I said. “We aren’t middle-aged. That would mean we’re only going to live to be in our late 60’s or 70’s.” And then I paused for a second and considered that. For the rest of the night it ran through my mind, that maybe (and I pray not) he was right.
I typically think of myself as young. Really, really young. So young that I don’t feel out of place in the least at trendy new bars, or concerts, or still browsing the racks at Forever 21. Never mind that my kids are following along, or that I have a sitter dozing on my couch, waiting for me to relieve her by midnight. J and I were on the young side to become parents when we had Norah, at least by California standards, so we’re several years younger than most of our friends with kids and I’m used to being “the baby” of the group.
But recently a few things have pointed to the fact that while we may not (yet) be middle-aged, we’re not exactly young, either:
-We saw “This is 40” and agreed some of the scenes could have been lifted directly from our lives.
-A friend referred to two of my favorite musical artists, Ryan Adams and Wilco, as “old man rock.” (It didn’t help that Adams popped up in “This is 40”!)
-We went to dinner with a sweet group of 27-year-olds who are planning to uproot and move to Thailand for a year. Between viewing their tattoos (totally spontaneous, very large) and hearing about their fuzzy travel plans and their New Year’s abandoned warehouse late-night raving, I could not have felt more ancient or mom-like.
I’m starting to wonder if the sudden urge for a birthday tattoo isn’t related to this uneasiness about aging. Or the fact that I was set to chop my hair off this morning at the hair salon and then decided against it, loving the idea of long, straight, flowing locks. I drive a minivan, for goodness sakes, so it’s not like a short haircut will be the one thing that makes me look like a mom of two, but still…
I think I assumed by the time I reached this age, I would have it together. I would be investing, savvy about retirement, will and trust in-hand. I would be well-established in my career, bossing around numerous employees or running my own successful business. But all of that seems kind of far off and hazy still. I have friends my age that say things like, “We’re buying our ‘forever home,’” and I just want to laugh incredulously. My idea of a perfect weekend morning is eating donuts on the couch, watching old “90210″ re-runs. Clearly, I haven’t yet reached maturity!
Am I alone? Do any of you feel this way? It’s not a full-blown lie-about-my-age panic at this point, but I do sort of wish I was blowing out 30 candles next month and not 34!
That was a really funny post!
I think you and J are both right. I mean, people in this day and age are living longer. So mathematically, I think you’re right. But I also think that the general consensus for awhile has been that mid 30s is middle aged (my mind is going to that old show, Thirtysomething. Although, when that was on, I just thought they were all old! ha!!).
It’s a weird place to be. I will admit. Like you, I feel very young. Rarely do I feel like a full blown grown up. or at least what I think a grown up feels like? But I wonder if I will ever feel like a grown up.
Anyway, I will be turning 34 on Friday and when I first wrapped my brain around that, my first thought was to a woman I worked with at a bowling alley many moons ago. It was one of my first real jobs; I think I was 18 and she had just turned 34. I remember thinking – this chick’s pretty cool for an “old” lady. LOL
But hey, as a very sick but in denial about her sickness Monica Gellar once said, we’re in the prime uh blime.
Middle aged or not – we are at a great time in our lives. I am good with 34.
ps – Get the tattoo!!! I am hoping to get another for my bday, too.
I had a discussion with a friend today, who’s about to turn 30 and wondered if she would finally feel ‘grownup’. I admitted that I had expected that on turning 30 my life would suddenly fall into place and I would become this mature and grown up woman with an organised life, wardrobe and bank account to match. Fast forward 10 years (argh!); I’m a homeowner and a parent, but as my 40th birthday approached last month I began to realise that the state of maturity I had expected to achieve in my 30′s had never really materialised……I mentioned this to a couple of friends who are in their 60′s and they tell me that they’re still waiting too!! So all I can really take from this is that we will only ever feel as old as we want to feel, and perhaps we really can be youthful way into our ‘middle-age’ and possibly beyond with the right outlook- live the life we want to live and don’t sweat the rest! I can only say that last bit now that I’m coming to terms with the ‘mid-life crisis’ I found my self in for the whole of my 39th year on this planet! I haven’t seen ‘this is 40′ – I will have to check it out! X
Somehow I missed this instagram photo and that is a great blowout, share away! I turned 34 in December and have had this same conversation with myself ever since. Maybe it’s because thirty four is too close to 35 and that means th big 4-0 isn’t that far off? I mean, in as many years as we’ve been parents (which has flown bye) we’ll be turning 40. But I think for me, the biggest reason I’ve been thinking (not feeling) middle aged, is over the past couple years, older people in my life and my friends’ lives have been dying . My husband has no parents, both gone before they turned 65. My grandparents are dying, and they are/have died young. I have multiple friends who have lost a parent this past year. I can’t help but think there is a good chance, based on my genetics, that I’m almost halfway through my life. It’s a weird feeling!
I’ve always thought of 45-ish as middle-aged, not because of anything mathematical but because I see it as the period post-parenting but pre-retirement.
Regardless, that sudden awareness of ones age is so surprising. I mean, you get busy building a life and dreaming about what you want be and how you’re going to get there and then suddenly you realize you ARE there and life doesn’t just stretch out endlessly in front of you with endless opportunities for reinvention and starting over. I returned to school (a public university) at 27 and fit right in, but I wouldn’t DREAM of it now at 38. Not that my life is over, but I’ve closed the door on some things as being totally impractical at this point in life
Also, having had my kids VERY young, I was used to thinking things like “I want my kids to have x kind of childhood” or “I want us to be x kind of family”, and about a year ago I had an abrupt realization that for the most part, whatever kind of family we are or kind of childhood they will have has already happened. There’s no more time for a dramatic reinvention of those things.
I found it strange there was no “buffer zone” period between feeling very, very young with everything in front of you, and suddenly being aware of your impending age. I think it’s a little harder on women since we are 1) vain and 2) more interested in change/life improvement.
I also think it may have SOMETHING to do with everyone I know having later-in-life babies. It certainly delays moving into the next stage of life when your peers are 23-year olds! I’m rambling! Ahh!
I really enjoyed this post and the comments that followed. Age is one of those topics we’re forced to reflect on from time to time, whether we like it or not. As soon as I turned 40, I felt every year of my age like I never did before. (I promise I’m not telling you that to scare you.
However, the age has also brought a sense of calm and acceptance, like I never felt before. So, I hope you’ll believe me when I say that you shouldn’t feel a sense of dread at turning 34. You don’t look a day over 25. 
As for the tattoo, I say go for it! Get something small and just for YOU.
PS~That photo of you is really great.
Middle-aged… hmm. Well, I’m 40 and while I am feeling (and sadly, starting to look) older than I did when I was 30, or even 35, I don’t necessarily want to classify myself as middle aged just yet.
I still love to go dancing, hang out with girlfriends, drink, indulge in lengthy, philosophical world problem solving conversations (those usually come after the drink); and in general, learn new hobbies (surfing!), plan vacations and daring adventures and pester my husband about buying another Harley.
Far from middle-aged here! However, getting older, turning 40, I can’t help but echo Theresa’s comment about how this new decade ushered in a newer, calmer sense of myself. And I don’t give a shit about stupid people or their opinions any more! YAY! Time is precious and I’m finding that while I am more accepting of who I am and what I have to give to this world, I am not willing to compromise on what will make me happy. If that means ending up single again, well – so be it. Time will tell.
Like @April, I’m 40 (and @modernhaus, I have to say- at 45 I’ll still be very much in the thick of parenting, since I had my first child when I was almost 35). I don’t feel as old as I look- which is a change for me, since it is only recently that I think I’ve really started to look my age. I was still getting genuinely carded past 30. No one’s going to card me now! I’m mostly OK with that. I wrote a post recently about not feeling entirely comfortable in my skin (http://www.wandering-scientist.com/2012/12/in-my-own-skin.html), and it was interesting that most comments focused on the physical aspect- I’d had one of those “catch your reflection and think it is someone else” moments. But the feeling is as much mental/emotional, and I struggle to explain why. Anyway, I’m reasonably savvy about retirement, we have investments, I’m well-established in my career and have 5 people reporting to me- basically all the things you list, and I still don’t feel settled. I’m starting to think that is just my personality, and that it is OK that I’ll never feel settled. Maybe when I feel settled is when I’ve given up on growing and improving and that isn’t what I want for 40- or 90! I don’t know. I’m still sorting through my thoughts on this.
Happy birthday soon!
I hear ya, Erin! Only I feel very much like I’m well into middle age. But I’m also much older than you. I just turned 37 and my husband will be 40 this year. We were at a wedding last night and couldn’t believe they waited until nearly 8:30 to serve dinner. Yeah, I am well beyond a young person’s world. But that’s okay. I like my life. And I can still stay up past midnight. I just do it in the comfort of my PJs at home with my computer and working.
Really enjoy this post as I’ve just turned 38. I can relate to how you feel and what readers like Theresa have shared. There’s a sensitivity at this point; not one of breaking down in tears (although I’ve been known to do that) but of honoring time. All that wisdom from my mother and grandmother about making the most of youth ring loudly now. I’m still wandering the world, much as I did when I was 20 and I’ve no house or children to speak of…and while these things may define maturity and an era, it’s not consistent with life. Our journeys are all so gorgeously varied that how they’re played out is what makes this world interesting. Anyway, get the tattoo if you desire and PLEASE do share it with us (I just got my 1st one last year).
You ladies are all awesome- I loved these comments and have come back twice to re-read them. It seems like there is more wisdom and acceptance that comes with age (I’m starting to feel it, hopefully more to come!), but also a sense from many of us that we feel so much younger inside than we are. I think that’s a good thing! And yes, I am still planning on the tattoo. I am not positive yet what it will be, but I’ll definitely share it
xoxo
I’m 5 years older than you and I can relate. Although I think I have settled into the idea that some of my behavior is never going to be very ‘adult’ despite the fact that I am getting older.
I did give up on the idea that I was going to be anywhere other than where I am at any given age. I decided that around 27. Expectations like that only leave me feeling not good enough, which will never get you where you want to be. Plus I think we measure ourselves against where our grandparents/parents were at our age and the was a very different time.
You make a great point- it’s so hard not to put those expectations on ourselves (or at least it is for me)- that we would be in a certain place at a certain age. I’m trying to appreciate that everyone has to follow their own paths.
I’ll be turning 44 in March! I don’t really mind my age. I have fleeting worries about work (will it be harder to find a new job in my late 40′s?), or my health (my hips make popping noises). Mostly I am grateful for the life I have had so far. Looks fade, beauty fades..but that is natural. It’s not like I have not had my time to be 20, 30, 40. I do wish I had more money socked away and did not buy a house in 2005…but that is water under the bridge now. I like the saying ” Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many”
I thought that by 30, I would have things a certain way. However, some things still seem too scary and adult for me to handle. I feel a little silly about it. I’ll be 33 soon and look around and wonder where the time went. Holy smokes, middle age. Oof. A few years ago there was a parenting magazine out (Violet) whose tagline was “You’ve grown up but you haven’t grown old”. I love that.