I hesitate to post what the past few weeks have meant to me. I’m not sure what this space is anymore. Once I stopped posting regularly, I lost the structure that previously dictated what to post and what to keep to myself. I have “written” so many things in my mind and then, when the time came to sit down at the computer, I backed down. There is a new awareness on my part that my online life is no longer private. It isn’t just for me, or for friends and family or even internet acquaintances who wish me well, who think fondly of my family and me. At the same time, though, a friend reached out to me recently who I had temporarily lost touch with. She had read a recent post here and it found her at the right moment. That connection reminded me of why I loved writing here so long ago. I am a true believer in signs, in coincidences and in finding something that speaks to you when you most need to hear it.
So, what’s new here? Honestly, I’ve been struggling. My birthday, several weeks ago, seemed to mark a turning point. I came to it with unreasonable pressure and expectations and maybe that was self-fulfilling, but ever since then, life has felt hard. There has been stress and sadness and exhaustion, belonging to myself and to people I care so much about. I’m deep in it, and I find myself unable to see the big picture. What I want most is to shake it off, to regroup, but it just hasn’t happened. I wake each morning, chant a mantra about new days, new chances, and as the hours pass, I find myself still in the same funk. I’ve tried my typical coping mechanisms: walks in the sunshine, music, books, time with my kids, spur-of-the-moment dates with my husband, phone calls to dear friends. It just isn’t working. So today I just left. I walked away from work, many hours before I meant to leave. I needed space. I needed to catch my breath and to remove myself from the place that has become all-encompassing lately.
I have always prided myself on wearing my heart on my sleeve, so to speak. I keep my feelings close to the surface. There are no walls. If I care about someone or something, it’s apparent. I want to share those feelings. I never felt the need for self-protection. But I’m around so many people now, every single day of the week, and it’s worn me out. This exposure, the thin skin, it isn’t a protection, and I’m taking on so much energy and trying to manage the needs of others to the point that it’s worn me out.
I know that things will turn around. I felt it, a bit today, just by letting go and giving in to the emotion. I want to be able to control my work, my relationships, my interactions and my days and I’m now learning what most people learned long ago, that all I can control is my response to life. I have to let the rest go, as much as I can.
Sending out a thank you to those of you still following along here, now that my posts are few and farther and farther between. I also want to thank those of my friends who have been there for me this month, via phone or in person. In these days of texts and Instagram, it’s so easy to keep interactions on the surface. I have noticed recently that when I allow myself to open up, to admit that life isn’t always perfect, the connection I have with friends has really deepened and grown. Love to you all. xoxo